Monday, December 19, 2005

One of the best feelings in the world

I just received a phone call from an old friend of mine who says not only is he working three jobs, and received an award for rescuing a man, he's also looking to marry his girlfriend, and starting a family. Back when I knew him he slept in a van and couldn't hold down a solid job for more than a month. I'm so proud of him.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Uproot

Well, these past two days have been particularily tumultuous. My s.o. has left for Brazil (with me oodles more excited about it than him) I discovered some strange things about my family, and discovered that my sister is pregnant!
I'm gonna be an auntie!
I've been so excited I've been pestering everyone I know, and practically screaming at them. I guess this means that it really has to sink in that, yes, my sister is actually, really, married.
I attended the wedding as her maid of honor, but it's still so strange to think that the blonde sprite I grew up with is married, and starting a family! Her hubby, a close friend of mine, is thrilled. I think he almost exploded trying to save the surprise for when my sis was set to tell us.
I wonder if this is how every generation feels. I mean, I think about my mom and dad, and all my aunts and uncles, and wonder. Is this how a kid is going to see me in a few years? and, It will only be a few years I guess. Time seems so short all of a sudden.
I feel, also, like I'm floundering, personally. Is it possible just because the old view that women are baby/home-making machines is still floating around, hidden and bleeding, but still there? I'm neither looking to get married nor make a family any time soon, so perhaps that is why I feel so uptight about the state of my apartment? (the floor is sticky and there are so many damn dishes, and the rug needs vacuming) It stresses me severly, but I have exams, and I'm leaving for a few weeks (during which Jared will probably soil the house. I love him, but damn hon, clean up a little, will you?) so there's no point nor time in cleaning. But I feel rather like I'm failing. Bizzare. But, I guess, I'm still young, soooo...
I'm sure there's still time. But I wonder, time to do what, and why?
arg.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Longevity

This ties into what will be my next post, or previous, whatever. The one title "Fate". Why are we, as humans, so aware of ourselves, so wrapped up in our lives, in every detail, when life is created in an instant, and destroyed so fast? I've long considered the idea of a "safety gate" in mankind's individual brains, a way to prevent us from realizing that, other than our next meal, it doesn't matter. Really. At all. It's all so impermanent.
Geez I'm tired. Why am I still awake?
More on luxury next post.

Fate

God, my head just never stops. Damnit.
I've been thinking about Fate, and Destiny. I've never really believed in it, or else it will really drive me mad, but here goes:
On a chance, I switched classes from Anthro to Phil 120, this class became the breakthrough in my career (at the time), and I met Jared, who convinced me to break up with my current boyfriend (thank God, and not a moment too soon), introduced me to The St. Albert Guys whom shall remain nameless, and helped me aquire a job at his mother's cafe. This summer, when I was fired, was also sort of because of Jared, and one of the St. Albert guys let me know about a job at a military depot. On a spur of the moment, I applied, and was accepted! Working there introduced me to my current boyfriend, and convinced me that I need the military. How can this be a coincedence? Is this sculpted? In space of a half-hour, because of a few minutes lapse of thinking, I lost my cell phone, which helped me realize just how steeped in luxury my life really is. In a five minute mistake in my car a few months ago, I lost $300 for a red light ticket. Had I paused a few seconds upon crossing the street yesterday, I'dve been run over ( probably not fatally) This is all just a huge cosmic dance, and eveyone whirls so close, and so far. It is aimless to ask, "Is this directed?" Any more than you can ask, "Is a dance directed?" Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. Impulse, planning. Eveything is connected. It helps if you see the world in terms of all people. Yes, I lost my cell phone, but perhaps pawning it helped a starving student buy supper for one more week. But not even just positive, even misery is an intericate dance move, which must be respected and praised just as much. We're all stuck on this little orb, hurtling through space. The rock I throw today may kill one man, whose insurance will save his dying child. There is so much and so little meaning in every second in life.
Chance, fate, luck, destiny. Aren't they all a part of life, in some way?
Consider the far reaching aspects of your life.
Do they mean anything?

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Update

I'm all set, sitting here, waiting for my friend to call, ready to go out for Medieval Christmas. And I can't move. No, serious. I'm stuffed into a corset, because it's the only remotely medieval thing I own. I've never had to be so intimately connected with my boobs before. Seriously. I have to ask them permission to breathe.
Just wanted, really, to post a few poems by the inestimable Sufi mystic, Rumi. (seriously, go look him up. he's Uber)
I have lived on the lip of insanity,
knocking on a door, wanting to know reasons.
It Opens.
I have been knocking on the inside!

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

I am, specifically, using these poems to do a final drama project. And I must say, they certainly fit my current mood. How many times have we said, or heard, "Carpe Diem". But, really, what does that mean? to each person? I've found, through running my hands on the mundane objects of my world, that everything around is really fascinating. And I think, Even when it hurts, This is life. Total Living. I want every breathe I take to be full of the wonder and amazement that is living. Just that I have the blessing to be allowed to see the color red astounds me, and takes my breath away. That I can hear a single, pure, note, is bliss. That I may be allowed to prick my finger on a pin, is lavisch wealth. Whenever I taste something, another's breath, I am bestoed a fabulous gift. The scent of air is something I should be forced to fight for. Anyone read Thief of Time, by Terry Pratchett? Lady Jean's view of life is much like how I would like to. Or the head slug things in animorphs (the one book where the slug takes over Cassie, I think and describes how wonderful color is). Why is it that we seem to block this majesty out of our lives? True, if I stopped to examine every fascinating detail, I would never sleep, nor eat, nor talk. Perhaps it is simply the case that in this advanced world with so much leisure, we are evolving to omit the "brain-gate" which causes us to ignore 90% of the world around us. Perhaps I produce too much serotonin, resulting in a euphoric, "high" like effect. Perhaps I think too much. Or, on a stranger scale, perhaps I am the only one who truely exists, and such, the world would appear more lush to me, since I am the only one truely percieving it. (Plausible,and possible, but not probable)
Perhaps my philosophical nature is combining with the "Nightmare before Christmas"'s song, "what's this?" to produce a very strange observation.
Maybe I shouldn't have eaten so much damn sugar.
Ahh. Christmas.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Another movie Review

I'm a little behind, but I finally saw Madagascar the movie. It was cute, and even had a few scenes that made me snort with laughter, but I gotta say, they tripped. The potential in that movie that is screaming for a more adult feel! The monkeys had so much! I was hoping, but the few shots of them are brief, yet packed. The penguins, tho cute, are more like the type of people I meet everyday, but the monkeys were unusual and so contrary! "I hear Tom Wolf is giving a lecture." *brief flurry of sign language* "Of course we're going to fling poo at him!" Fabulous! and With the precious little sign I know, I'm farely sure he was actually signing, rather than just doing something that looked like it. Brilliant.
However, my favorite line, which will undoubtably be parroted daily is: "Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!"
I've finally achieved renting Devil's Reject's, which if I haven't mentioned before, is a strangly alluring film. There is something about the sheer force of the characters that draws you in. Perhaps it is because I'm a bit of a psychologist, and the image of that much psychotic issue is more tempting than an amusement park! But, perhaps it is due to the careful balance of justice and freedom in the end. *spoiler* On one hand when the officer is torturing them, you are assagued with a sense of justice. 'Ah-ha! They are recieving their come-uppance.' Yet when tiny pulls the officer off the blond girl, you don't feel cheated out of justice. It's just enough. Then you feel free to honor the spirit in their characters, it is almost as if they have atoned, or at least justice has been served. When they fly towards the roadblock in the convertable, it is with a sense of finality, but joy. A famous last stand, a blaze of glory. and so help me if I'm not a sucker for that.
I will say that I may only hold this view because I have yet to see the first one, perhaps it will change.
anyway, It's late. Night, all.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Motivation

Well, it's 9:30 in the evening, and I really should be asleep. I got tired, and could scarcly keep my eyes open. got into bed and -BAM- Wide awake. Not just wide awake, either, oh no. Wide awake with my body saying, "I feel like working out!" WTF? This summer has been really enlightening, and modifying. this time last year I was completly different. I feel now that I've actually developed some semblance of discipline.
Anyway, As good reading material for everyone, George Bernard Shaw's "The Arms and the Man" is terribly good. Amusing, short, and engaging. For music, I suggest Maria Dunn's "For a song". Both of these are uplifting and good for feeling... connected, I guess is the best way to put it.
I also wanted to through on a few things about friendship. I must confess that prior to these past two years, I really didn't have any idea what it meant. I have now come across so many good friends, that it really, now, means something to me. One in particular, my friend J, I'm not sure he's been mentioned, I shall forbear to gush on his good nature as I would black out the internet, but I've found in him a part of me which I didn't even know I was missing. The depth of affection I feel for him, I'm sure will never be equalled. I suggest that everyone find someone they feel %100 comfortable with. It's indescribably wonderful. For example, even tho I ranted to someone earlier in the day about a problem of mine, It didn't feel right until I ranted to J later on. Then, once I'd vented, It was just gone. I think that it is the case that I would, in fact, do anything for him. And, for me, that Is a huge thing.

One more thing, The riots in Paris. At first, thinking on them, mine were much like anyone's thoughts, "how terrible". But Lately I have been on a huge existentialist kick, so I began to think, "Really, what does this mean?" I was amazed to find that the prospect of complete societal chaos to be quite appealling. I don't mean to imply that Paris has found itself there, but that Is where my thoughts found themselves. Perhaps it is an over-romanticised notion, of a world in calamity, where people find honor, courage, true love, and a hard boiled egg. But I wonder if perhaps we have not gotten soft. This is an idea I've thrown in one of my earlier poems, the one about miserable at the end. It's been further provoked by an amusing pick-up line, "I'm offering you something better than freedom, my dear, I'm offering you freedom from freedom." and further refined by a book called "The joys of motherhood". I'm afriad I can't recall the author but if I find it I shall write it straightaway. In this age, no amount of unhappiness is to be tolerated any further than it must be. We live in an age of opulance and leisure. (speaking of course, of only the culture I live in, I can say precisly nothing of any other, and Indeed this doubtlessly proves false in many others) Perhaps it is simply because I would like to be elsewhere in the world, see other countries, learn what they know. Mayhap it is because I am so jaded from living in Canada, that I feel this way. There seems so little point to life, because it is no longer a challenge, a struggle. I devalue my own life because I never work for it. As Jhonny the homicidal maniac states, "Nothing puts the lust for life in a man like the fight for it." I think I am paraphrasing since I cannot recall it perfectly, but A winks as good as a nod, I suspect. Perhaps it could be said that the meaning of life Is to work for it. A conversation I had with a friend furthers this point. I stated the two paths I could travel; One, the life of a psychologist with a family, warm and easy, the other, the life of a solider, hard and crazed. He examined his own; The life of an english professeur with a family, the other, the life of a politico (I'm sure he's destined to lead a coup someday, maybe not in Canada, but somewhere, dammit). True, these lives we face are not exculsive, the safe one we may use as back-up , but really, Why bother? He stated, "I could live a happy family life" Or some such nonsense, and I wondered "would you really live?" Everyone knows the statement, "carpe diem" but how many truely know it? Live it, breathe it. Who lives what is really in their heart? Is it even possible to live it in this society? For example, a friend of mine should really don some armor and live the life of a knight, he'd be so suited to it, and would doubtlessly find true fulfillment. However, that's not possible in this world we live in. What of those who would be better suited to the 50's? There are so many prior worlds, how can we find complete self-realization?
What is really, in the hearts of man?
Is everyone contented in this newspaper, cereal, coffee morning world?
Am I the only one who goes crazy for struggle without disdain?
Am I setting myself up for a rude awakening when I join the military, if this is truly my reason for enlisting?
Am I ever to find a place?
Am I rambling?
Yes, I think so.
Night

Monday, November 07, 2005

26

Last post was number 25, so I figured that was pertinant to mention. As well, I've discovered something else. I'm a misanthrope. This explains a few questions about my strange interactions with other people, and explains alot about my eclectic sexual tastes, and humor preferences. I think, perhaps, this is something that I should embrace about myself, however. I just wonder, what could this be cause by? My parents are wonderful, supportive, and stable (not completely faultless, but nothing that could possibly provoke this) Is it perhaps a chemical imbalance? Or some form of conditioning due to my neuroticism? Just a personality trait? Something that I'll grow out of because I'm just cranky right now? Lend me your thoughts all!
Oh, yes, one more thing: Jarhead. Awesome movie! AND it's a war movie with few disgusting bits! There are some burnt people, but it's not too bad. There aren't any juicy bits :P. If I'm not giving too much away, allow me to spout my favorite line, "Why are you in marine school?" "Got lost on my way to college staff sargent!" Then he smashes his head into a chalkboard.
Awesome. %100 awesome. But you have to like military things to like it. If you don't, don't even bother.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Answers

Hey everyone.
Sorry I'm so sporadic lately, but I discovered my midterm marks and damn near choked. So I'm knuckling down and getting it done.
this is really just for the anonymous poster who asked "Can you even carry a rucksack??? or shoot a weapon?"
Despite my initial irritation at these questions, I remember not everyone knows everything about me, so here we go:
Can I carry a ruck? I've been on four wilderness challenges which attached a ruck to my back for two days each. two of them totalling over 50 miles. When I was 15. The ruck weighed more than me. To be fair, It's not as much as I would have to carry if I was truely enlisted, but it's a start and more than your average civvy.
Can I shoot a weapon? While I don't have the extensive knowledge most military guys posses of all different types of firearms, I have had the fortune to fire .22's, .303's, and C7's. I've also fired Daisys but I'm train to gain a little respect here. :P I actually qualified for my crossrifles and crown with the C7. It's been a while since I've practiced, but I can still remember how to strip and clean the rifles. (funny joke we had a .303 with 2 riflings. !!2!!)
The difference between getting fucked at my cafe job, and getting fucked in the military is: I'm expecting it in the military. I've acknowledged it. But it's also more likely to be legitimate, by-the-book fucking than some spontaneous back-stab from some low self-esteemed fucktarts who decide they don't like me.
Anonymous also expects that I'll have to let everyone into my pants to get anywhere. I don't know about that. I've heard rumors the the military promotes based on hard work and dedication. Can anyone set me straight to this effect? Not like I have issues with using my body to get ahead. It would just require more thought before joining. Do I want to respect myself, or get ahead?
All in all, I appreciate you telling me the way it is anonymous. I want to make an informed descision about this. The last thing I want to do is run off to play solider girl. I have absolute faith that the military has too many G.I.Jane wannabes.
So if you've read this post and laughed at my pathetic efforts, that's fine. I like laughing people. but, give me a chance. I miss the CF Greens.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Evening

Just saw CorpseBride. It was good. Quite good. But not what I'd hoped for. It never reaches it's full Tim Burton-esque glory. The beginning shines, it's like Tim Burton frolicking in a desolate field full of strange thin flowers. But then once it takes off, he leaves. Other than a few half-hearted bad jokes it lags, and sort of falls.
Anyway though, the last few days helped me remember just how bad I am at sentential logical derivations. I'm off to plug then 'til I puke.

Oh yah. Saw the preview for Harry Potter four. Looks incredible! I just Can't wait!

Poetry 4

All around me
Steel bars construct buildings
concrete, wire, dust, metal
It's cold
frost gathers
but I look up
past my breath
a few trees, their gold arms
leading my eyes to the
massive expanse
the glass bowl
the blue awesomeness
that is the sky
and I become rooted
my hands forever reaching
all around me dies
as I finally live

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Dorothy Parker

Song Of Perfect Propriety
Dorothy Parker

Song Of Perfect Propriety
-->Oh, I should like to ride the seas,
A roaring buccaneer;
A cutlass banging at my knees,
A dirk behind my ear.
And when my captives' chains would clank
I'd howl with glee and drink,
And then fling out the quivering plank
And watch the beggars sink.
I'd like to straddle gory decks,
And dig in laden sands,
And know the feel of throbbing necks
Between my knotted hands.
Oh, I should like to strut and curse
Among my blackguard crew....
But I am writing little verse,
As little ladies do.
Oh, I should like to dance and laugh
And pose and preen and sway,
And rip the hearts of men in half,
And toss the bits away.
I'd like to view the reeling years
Through unastonished eyes,
And dip my finger-tips in tears,
And give my smiles for sighs.
I'd stroll beyond the ancient bounds,
And tap at fastened gates,
And hear the prettiest of sound-
The clink of shattered fates.
My slaves I'd like to bind with thongs
That cut and burn and chill....
But I am writing little songs,
As little ladies will.

well

I submit these three for your collective approval
and a final note:

"I didn't say I needed you to rescue me.
Sit down, shut up
and take the credit when I rescue myself."

Poetry two

It's widdling outside
and the air burnt gasoline
cigarette smoke
I've overfull with chinese food and pink ice cream
the windows are fogged, and the roof leaks onto my jeans
the car squeals when the wheel is turned
a walking cop eyes us
but it's J, it's safe
Neon lights
I can feel my frozen fingers
the tree looks like a man
in a hoodie
ready to smash an axe
through the window to bury
in my chest
so my soul can rise
and be part of this austere
beauty forever

Poetry one

This I offer you
microwave popcorn
half-finished toothpaste in our bathroom
a banged up old coffee pot boiling
some dirty dishes in the sink
a song we love drifting through the walls
books on the table for breakfast
we'll stay up too late
regret it tommorow
for now there's jammies
on our close-clinging bodies
it's cold in here
but the covers are warm
the coffee's good
the popcorn's burnt
hope, normalicy, a life that
makes your soul weep for joy
life, love
not the bad hollywood type
but true
deep
soothing
perfect

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Holy crap

Wow, how long has it been since I've posted? Well, I've moved in with my friend Jared, got a boyfriend, lost him again (he's on a two months ex far away from me. Worst thing is, he's in the bush so it's like he's dropped off the face of the earth) school's started, my sister and two friends got married, and that's pretty much life. I'm also irritated because i still can't collect my one week severance pay from that shitty cafe. And it turns out that not only do the managers hate me, the owner does too. Great. Guess maybe I should've let him into my pants. Ha. Those bitches are perfect for each other...
Anyway, losing that job turned out good, cause I found a job at a military depot that pays me $16 an hour to do an easy job. I'm thinking, as well, next summer, I'll enlist. Either combat engineer, or weapons tech...any thoughts all?
I'm cranky right now, so the throughts are somewhat stunted, but I rented "bride and Prejudice" and it was quite good. Did anyone else notice that NO-ONE kisses at any point in that movie? It's kinda strange...At the pivotal moment, the two main characters share a hug.
Huh.
Lots of ...huh...

Monday, July 04, 2005

Margret Cho Revolution

OMG! Has anyone else seen this movie? And fallen completely in LOVE with Margret Cho? If you have a spare evening, go get it. Serious. It's a bit slow running, but it's quite funny, and her face is incredible! How anyone can make those expressions is beyond me.
"This...is not...the Salad...of my people!" *Rarr!*
Crazy.

Confidence

Confidence. What a funny thing, huh?
There has been a deveopment in the previously mentioned work case. The manager has not been fired. The owner says she "will deal with the issue." I gave her three days, and then i will be contacting the district manager. The manager phones me to ask "Do you really think you can do anything?" As a result, despite the back-up I have, I'm worried. Isn't it strange how something so small as the manager's brain can worry me?
As well, this past weekend, I spent with my family, burning my back in strange shapes, and generally enjoying myself. However, a development occurs. My mother, bless her, now has my blog address. My initial reaction was shock, horror, and a desperate urge to get to a computor so I could modify my Blog to be more tidy. Then I thought, 'Wait. My mother wants to know me: What's happening in my life, What I'm thinking, and How I'm growing."
Despite how crazy, out there, and crudly put my opinions are, they are me. I can't modify them. I am who I am. I need to be proud of my misogyny, fascination with sex, and often over-trustingness.
So, here we are. If you've remembered the URL, and found this site, this is me, Mommy. Just remember, this is pure, concentrated, me. I'm like kool-ade. Better when watered by everyday life.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Go Foxy!

Go me, It's my birfday! Yes, for real, real, not just play, play!
Yah! Birthdaaaaay! And my firstest present is not only Harry Potter 6, preorder, but also preordered "Thud!" by Terry Pratchett, the greatest freakin Author alive!
I am the happiest camel ever!
BTW, for the record. I'm now officially 20.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Oh yah, one more thing.

Almost forgot! I'm thinking of joining the reserves! So for all you military wannabe's, you can follow the progress with me! And you can't tell, but I'm scared out of my mind! Before you hack my head off for joining something that scares me, I joined Cadets many years back, and I miss it so much, I simply have to do this. Something about the military gets into your blood, and won't let go. "You can take the tiger out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger!" Hobbes, Calvin and Hobbes. Ironically, did you know that Hobbes was named for the renowned philosopher, Thomas Hobbes? No, serious. Look it up.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Why must everyone subvert my efforts?

*clutches head* The notorious rapper 50 cent has made the statement that he would make a good role model. "do what I do, not what I say". Few statements infuriate me more than this one. In either way (say not do, do not say) Why should there be a difference?Do as you say, say as you do. This reduces cognitive dissonance for all involved. If anyone has listened to 50's lyrics, it becomes obvious why he can't do that. Or compose a simple sentance. Or seduce a woman. "I touch the right spot at the right time." 50 cent Candy Shop. "My mamma gone, you can stay the night. I'm not playin', I'm tryin' to fuck tonight. Lights off, hands up, face down, Ha-ha." 50 Cent Jus' a lil bit. I wish I were making these up. However, they speak for themselves. I'd like to rant about the objectification of women. Before your brain turns off, like society has programmed you to do in response to "feminist" ideas, let me through something your way. Why must a successful woman dress sexily? The media shows powerful women barely dressed. Why is that? I would like, if I could, to eliminate any gender impurities, and simply be a scholor. I hate the fact that my opinions are dismissed because I'm a woman. Or younger for that matter. I'm sort of rambling in this post, but on a happy note, my birthday is in a few days!!! Yah me!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

My Awesome Family

Seriously. my family is so cool. I know everyone says this, but I mean it. Back where my family lives we had lawn installed when we first moved in. It was okay for a few years, then dwindled, then one summer, just died. The next year my dad fertilized in a desperate attempt to make it okay. Nothing doin. So this year we've rototilled the entire yard, dug everything up. and now, in the middle of our town, we're growing potatoes in our front yard. I personally, think that's awesome. Just awesome.
figured I'd leave my readers with a few happy thoughts after that last nasty post.

World changes

Well great. In the space of a day, my life has just reversed. Not completely, but still enough to make me sincerly pissed off. My bestest best friend, Jared (mentioned numerous times elsewhere) and I saw his dad on Father's day (normal, eh?) Apparently I said something that panicked his sister. She phones Jared's mom and expresses worry that I'm "stringing him along". Valid worry, right? So Jared's mom phones him (while he's at work) and makes him all worried. Jared phones me up, I'm half asleep, neither of us have any idea what was said. Hour later, Jared's mom phones me (I'm still sleepy) She tells me that it's okay to be friends, just don't string him along, blah, blah. (meddle, meddle, meddle) I cut the convo short (after about a half hour) by saying "you're my employer, I'm your employee, this is going to make things weird at work. Jared and I will work things out. Thank you." and hung up. I'm sick of feeling like i'm ruining Jared's life, so I pack up my shit (I was at his place) and head to his work to give him his keys. I tell him we'll talk later, and head to my friend's place to be held and cry for a while. His mother phones to ask if I'm upset with her, and I say I am. she talks some more, I insist that this is not good b/c she's my boss. she assures me that this was outside emploee relations and that she has every right to meddle cause she's Jared's mom. I ask "what did you do for Jared's birthday?" reply? "nothing" and I simply say, "Duly Noted." We make appropriate good-byes and hang up. half a min later, the cafe manager phones (from J's mom's cell) and says "You're fired." What? Why? "oh, I could name 10 things off the top of my head." Please do, I'd love to know. "Because I said so." (insert massive tyrade including horrible language *fuck every second word* about how dare I speak to a mother that way, etc. Am I a mother? etc.) She then threatens to "kick [my] fucking ass" and I reply No, I don't think you will. "Why not?" Because you're just a huge bully and this conversation is over. much crying ensues. Half hour later she phones back to offer me two weeks , which I accept. I go get Jared from work, we talk.
Next Day
I phone my mother for alternate reasons, and end up telling her everything. She comiserates. (I love my Family so much!) fifteen minuets later my Dad phones. In that short span, he's gotten all the info from mom, and has called the Employment standards board to get legal info. (see why I love my Family? they're so awesome! Next blog: my awesome family!) He says he really doesn't want me to go back in there, and after some thought, I agree. I phone employment standards, find out that I'm entitled to a week's pay, write up a letter, and phone to inform J's mom and the manager that I won't be returning to work at all, that I will be leaving a letter that is request for wages, and will be talking to the district manager (in charge of my cafe company) about the issue. Jared talks to his mom to tell her that we will work this out, stop interfering, he's happy. Jared's mom later phones me to mention she talked to Jared, she's doing something (who knows what) about the manager, can we put this behind us?, can you get another job soon?, and apologizes. I'm glad something is happening with the manager. The crap she's put the cafe through is phenominal. (not just me, many other employees) I now need to procure another job, however, and it seems clear that Jared's mom and I will not be getting along. Let alone his sister who undoubtably thinks I'm some sort of crazed hussy who uses her brother. Nor do I know what to do about Jared. I love him. A lot. I want what's best for him, but I don't know whether I want to marry him or not. Geez. If anyone has any thoughts, let er rip.
what a huge post, and what a crappy day.
I just wish that I could tell everyone involved that I love Jared, I want what's best for him. You had no right to fire me. I was an impeccible employee. I just wish I could rant and rave to their faces, but in cases like these, It's best to hold your tongue. Lest you regret it.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Oopdate, dear comrade, Oop!

If anyone gets the above quote, contact me. But anyway, I realized it had been a while since the internet was subjected to my piercing voice, so I figured I would update to ensure this thing doesn't die. School=out but I have been accepted to the University of Alberta (think that gives away too much local? who cares) and my Cafe where I work has been overtaken by a bully who inisists she's manager. She has fired half the crew (I include people who quit out of moral peril, as being fired) and the other half is very worried. My friend, who has been previously mentioned, was fired as well. Depressing me. I digress. We must go buy some tomatos.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Holy crap-shit evening

So I have a close friend who is homeless. He'd been gone for a while to somewhere else and just lately showed up. He, his friend, and I talked till 2 in the morning last night, and I was thrilled to see him. He came into my place of work today. I lent him my car keys so he and his friend could grab a nap. He comes in three hours later asking If I took my keys back. He informs me he has LOST my car keys, and speculates that they probably fell out of the car and someone has taken them. (!!) We search the car. Nothing. My best friend, Jared, buses across the fuckin city,while I finish working, and the two friends (I thought) finish napping. I finish closing, Jared comes in, we head to my car, open the trunk, and find the keys. I open the car, and a wave of beer smell comes out. I discover that my "friend" has allowed two other friends into my car to warm up, and drink beer. I kick them all out of my car.
I feel bad.
Jared and I take ourselves home, he makes me fabulous spaghetti, I thank him again and again for comming out on such short notice.
At the end of this debaucle, I feel horribly guilty. For kicking the lowlifes out of my car, for not thanking Jared enough, and for blowing up at a regular who happened to say the not-quite-right thing to say at that moment. I'm sure my friend is drunk by now and couldn't care less.
I really hate people. Why? Because I feel guilt, and I don't think anyone else in the world does.
He didn't even thank me for letting him crash in my car, nor the gas he wasted to heat up the car. Nor apologize for stressing me all fricken night, nor apologize for letting drunks into my car.
But I feel bad. (!!!) I (!!!) feel bad.
As whats-his-name in fight club says " I (want) to destory something beautiful"

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Talk-show Morality

I realize the title is an oxymoron, but then again, did you read the first post? Hypocrite. In all my glory, and Oxymorons are a type of hypocrisy, if you think about it. Or anything, really. Just think.
I just felt the need to vocalize my distaste for the trend that has swept the nation for "tolerance morality". This touchy-feely "you have your truth, I have mine, and we can live in harmony." monstrous affront to intelligence.
Think about it. If you've had even a basic Phil class you know this is what is called a Dogma. A nonsensical phrase spouted without proof to placate the slavering masses. This particular demon...erm...Dogma...Is known as Subjective morality. A system of morality where everyone makes their own moral code. However, when I try to justify my supposed belief that I should kill everyone I see, they add the belief "so long as it doesn't conflict with other's beliefs". What? Why should I accept that? You, wanting me to believe that, conflicts with my belief that I should believe anything! (That sounds like the picture that keeps regressing into other pictures) The problem is this belief of tolerance is naturally defeating. If a culture comes along that says "you must believe in my belief" they win! For the tolerant culture can only defeat the dominant culture if the Dom culture plays by the tolerant cultures rules! But why would they do that? They don't believe in them! "Subjective morality just fails" Randy Wojitowicz
Don't accept the dogmas, kids, question everything.
even me telling you to question everything. Even people wishing to liberate you have their alternative purposes. Everyone will always act in their perceived most positive consequence.
Always.

So you like the milf hunters, eh?

Because I love to hear myself talk, I'm doing another post. I can't even imagine what this is going to look like in a few months. Quote Albert Brennamin, Hitch, "you can not stop it.....You can NOT stop it....."
I was thinking, Jeez, I've spaced out so many times, and thought of so many things I would tell the world, If I had the chance, and now I can't think of them all. But this one....

Milf (Mothers I'd like to fuck) hunters. I'm fine with them. Even cougars need to be pursued, and honestly, once I get around my upper 30's, early 40's, I'm gonna want some hot guy chasing me (unless he's yelling that he's got a warrant, and will shoot. I tired of them) well, hell, that'd be nice now, but at least now I have something to attract them with.
But, I digress. The issues I have are with FWLFMs (Ff-wul-fems) which are Fathers who would like to fuck me! Good grief you gross, creepy, old, leering men! Before the howling seniors come at me with cleavers, let me make my point.
It's not cause you're old. Oh, no. If Johnny Depp (isn't he 40 something?) showed up at my door and said "come away with me to be my torrid love slave" (note the lack of comma between "torrid" and "love") I wouldn't even fricken PACK!
The issue I have is that they Mack it, and even when I express polite neutral blankness, they still try! NO, I don't want you to seize my hands and tell me how soft they are! I want you to leave me alone! I won't be your mid-life crisis hot rod affair! Young men should have a higher "that means she wants me to go away" threshold (cause, hey, I don't wanna look like I'm giving it away) and old men should have a very, VERY low threshold! I don't wanna have to crush your tiny heart by saying "I could be your fourth (fourth!!) child's date!"
YUCK!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Well Fabulous!

After 8 user name changes, countless back buttoning, and two re-done posts. This is here. I'm here. TA-fricken-DA! I should be working on a philosophy paper, in which I attempt to prove the existence of a rational "I", but I'm not which, honestly, disproves my paper. Instead I am returning to the blog creating horror which has, despite my affection and effort, abused me time and time again. Now I know how a battered woman feels. But, damnit, I'm sure it'll work THIS time. Right?...Right? If not, I shall return to this site in a half hour (like a Kitty Genovese murderer) in hopes that soon, soon, I shall be able to inflict my values, opinions and morals on the mostly harmless world. Because, just as Dentrassies hate Vogons, I hate ignorance. True, trying to convince me that I have the wrong opinion is a task no-one would undertake, but I'm also a massive hypocrite. It's quite liberating. So, lesson for the night, try to figure out why (objectivly now, subjectivism never helped anyone) hypocrisy is morally wrong. I dare you.