Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Well, it's 9:30 in the evening, and I really should be asleep. I got tired, and could scarcly keep my eyes open. got into bed and -BAM- Wide awake. Not just wide awake, either, oh no. Wide awake with my body saying, "I feel like working out!" WTF? This summer has been really enlightening, and modifying. this time last year I was completly different. I feel now that I've actually developed some semblance of discipline.
Anyway, As good reading material for everyone, George Bernard Shaw's "The Arms and the Man" is terribly good. Amusing, short, and engaging. For music, I suggest Maria Dunn's "For a song". Both of these are uplifting and good for feeling... connected, I guess is the best way to put it.
I also wanted to through on a few things about friendship. I must confess that prior to these past two years, I really didn't have any idea what it meant. I have now come across so many good friends, that it really, now, means something to me. One in particular, my friend J, I'm not sure he's been mentioned, I shall forbear to gush on his good nature as I would black out the internet, but I've found in him a part of me which I didn't even know I was missing. The depth of affection I feel for him, I'm sure will never be equalled. I suggest that everyone find someone they feel %100 comfortable with. It's indescribably wonderful. For example, even tho I ranted to someone earlier in the day about a problem of mine, It didn't feel right until I ranted to J later on. Then, once I'd vented, It was just gone. I think that it is the case that I would, in fact, do anything for him. And, for me, that Is a huge thing.

One more thing, The riots in Paris. At first, thinking on them, mine were much like anyone's thoughts, "how terrible". But Lately I have been on a huge existentialist kick, so I began to think, "Really, what does this mean?" I was amazed to find that the prospect of complete societal chaos to be quite appealling. I don't mean to imply that Paris has found itself there, but that Is where my thoughts found themselves. Perhaps it is an over-romanticised notion, of a world in calamity, where people find honor, courage, true love, and a hard boiled egg. But I wonder if perhaps we have not gotten soft. This is an idea I've thrown in one of my earlier poems, the one about miserable at the end. It's been further provoked by an amusing pick-up line, "I'm offering you something better than freedom, my dear, I'm offering you freedom from freedom." and further refined by a book called "The joys of motherhood". I'm afriad I can't recall the author but if I find it I shall write it straightaway. In this age, no amount of unhappiness is to be tolerated any further than it must be. We live in an age of opulance and leisure. (speaking of course, of only the culture I live in, I can say precisly nothing of any other, and Indeed this doubtlessly proves false in many others) Perhaps it is simply because I would like to be elsewhere in the world, see other countries, learn what they know. Mayhap it is because I am so jaded from living in Canada, that I feel this way. There seems so little point to life, because it is no longer a challenge, a struggle. I devalue my own life because I never work for it. As Jhonny the homicidal maniac states, "Nothing puts the lust for life in a man like the fight for it." I think I am paraphrasing since I cannot recall it perfectly, but A winks as good as a nod, I suspect. Perhaps it could be said that the meaning of life Is to work for it. A conversation I had with a friend furthers this point. I stated the two paths I could travel; One, the life of a psychologist with a family, warm and easy, the other, the life of a solider, hard and crazed. He examined his own; The life of an english professeur with a family, the other, the life of a politico (I'm sure he's destined to lead a coup someday, maybe not in Canada, but somewhere, dammit). True, these lives we face are not exculsive, the safe one we may use as back-up , but really, Why bother? He stated, "I could live a happy family life" Or some such nonsense, and I wondered "would you really live?" Everyone knows the statement, "carpe diem" but how many truely know it? Live it, breathe it. Who lives what is really in their heart? Is it even possible to live it in this society? For example, a friend of mine should really don some armor and live the life of a knight, he'd be so suited to it, and would doubtlessly find true fulfillment. However, that's not possible in this world we live in. What of those who would be better suited to the 50's? There are so many prior worlds, how can we find complete self-realization?
What is really, in the hearts of man?
Is everyone contented in this newspaper, cereal, coffee morning world?
Am I the only one who goes crazy for struggle without disdain?
Am I setting myself up for a rude awakening when I join the military, if this is truly my reason for enlisting?
Am I ever to find a place?
Am I rambling?
Yes, I think so.

No comments: