Sunday, November 26, 2006

Nothing much

This blog post is best read to "Fill me in" by Craig Daivd
I've been in a strange mood lately. Like sex and warm candy, with cold stars in it.
I feel like violence, and hurting people, but also like being very nice, and sweet.

This is probably all due to the "week" I'm currently in, but I'm also trying desperatly to find who I really am, and what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I'd like to be in the military, but as what, I'm not sure. I would like to have some effect on the world, in a larger intellectual capacity, but how? I don't think Graduate school would be a sensible idea at this point, since I find it difficult to take university seriously, and Grad school is fairly intensive. Also, if I discover I don't want to do anything with Psychology, it will be a fabulous waste of money.

So far, with my current mood, it appears I am best suited for a career as a serial rapist...
Perhaps something in a more artistic capacity? I must confess, the only reason I didn't go to Fine Arts at Grant MacEwan is because my sister had done it previously, but somehow, the thought of learning to make art makes me weep. But I have a few ideas for paintings, I would love to teach dance, Few things make me as happy as writing, and I have thoughts on a couple sculptures. Perhaps a joint career in the military with Artistry as a hobby?
It's a thought.

After spending all Saturday with my sister and her rapidly-getting-bigger son, my nephew, I'm starting to become more and more sure I should never have children. Ever. I'm largly incompetant with them, and I think that I would not be able to devote the time to them that they require. but many of my friends believe that I would be a fabulous mother.

I just would like time to stop so I can take a serious look around, and decide a few things.

There's also a frustrating situation developing with my emotions and a person. I won't detail it, since no-one really cares. (Well, that's untrue, but the people who do care are already briefed.) But, suffice to say, it's causing a few sleepless nights, and more than a few daydreams, and even more serious self-evaluations. Why must people be so confusing? Worse, why must my expectations, and thoughts about people be so confusing? There should be a place, like Babelfish, where you can insert conversations and it would spit out what everyone is really saying, and how everyone really feels. None of this guessing crap. Just straight out; A, B, C.

Anyway, that's that, this is this, and everything will develop.
I don't want this to be construed as whining, because I am fascinated with this whole life I have, but it does bear thought, and require some attention.

Monday, November 20, 2006


I wish everything could stay exactly like it is now. I'm almost graduated, in a good house that I own, Surrounded by good, close friends, waiting for a job review, learning, and generally just enjoying myself.
I don't know what is going to happen by this time next year. I'm worried. It's likely I won't even have contact with most of the people I see on a regular basis now; Which is good in some cases (sweet closure) but not good in most.

What if I do the wrong thing? Back in high school very little changed for me. My town stayed the same. I moved only once to the other side of town. My school never changed. My classmates never changed. I never really thought that life would ever be different. Now, Nothing will be the same this time next year.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


If you ever feel the need to just break down and mop, really feel sorry for yourself, get into all the misery corners, just ache for your poor lost self, languish in melancholia, rip off all your scabs, poke all your wounds, bleed from your soul, and really melodrama it up, you almost certainly must put on Roxanne, the remix by Tom Waits. On the Moulin Rouge album. It is practically indispensible. Nothing says torment like that rough voice screaming, "you don't have to put on that red light, Roxanne"

Oh I'm wallowing at a champion level now...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I will happily ever your after.

After watching the movie 'Shrek' for almost the millionth time, I have come to two conclusions;
1.Dragon is really weird
2. It's indicative of our current trend in love-thought.
Love today is centered around finding the right person. Confusing in it's own right, this leads to other problems. When labels like "Mr. Right" and "soulmate" are bandied around, it is no surprise the divorce rate is what it is.
We have, in our ferver, lost two essential elements. One I have previously fondled, the other is a newer concept.
1. Putting something outside yourself.
2. Being the right person.

1. The point of this, and the reason why marriages were so successful is they had an alterior purpose; Finances, lack-of-war, blackmail, carrying on family name, or even just warmth. The point is that if the marriage stopped, this benefit stopped, and usually if you married, It was for something bigger. (your Ace in the hole, as it were) Now, we just marry for love. A barely tangible, inexpressible, requirement. No wonder so many fail. When the swirly gut feeling of infatuation fades, we are left with only higher bills, and an annoying person who won't go away.

2. What if Love succeeding, and conversly marriage, was based on simply having the intestinal fortitude to stick with it? Some traits pass over all perosnality types, correct? So there should not be anyone who is incapable of making a marriage work just by not giving up. this is somewhat shown by the fact that if a person has a 2nd divorce, they are way more likely to have a 3rd, 4th or 5th, than a person who has only been married once is to have a 2nd divorce. The problem is the type of thinking you get trapped in. "OH, they weren't right." In our day and age of customization, and options, we've decided that we never need to settle; but people are not like cars or computors, we are constantly changing, the only thing that will stay constant is your determination to stay together.

But then again, what do I know?

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Sometimes I feel so broken inside my head.
With no way to express it.
Well, no healthy, acceptable way to express it.
Why must I be so fricken...weird?

Monday, November 06, 2006

New Music

Anyone bored and need some new types of tunes to listen to?
In ascending order of harshness (1 being mellow sleepy music, 10 being ear-raping with a gravel covered dildo, not even kidding, but it's soooo goood)

1. Bruce Cockburn- My lady and my lord from "Sunwheel Dance"
1. Moby- The Sky is Broken from "Play"
2. Maria Dunn- Take it Easy on Me from "For a Song"
3. Sarah Harmer- Lodestar or Open Window from "You were here"
4.. Emm Gryner- Siamese Star from "Asianblue"
5. Emm Gryner- Stereochrome from "Science Fair"
5. Dar Williams- The Ocean from "Mortal City"
6. Sarah Slean- California, Vertigo, or Day One from "Day One"
8. Dresdon Dolls- I am a Girl Anachronism from "The Dresdon Dolls"
9. Dresdon Dolls- Half-Jack from "The Dresdon Dolls"
10. Tom Waits- Hoist that rag or Don't go into that barn from "Real Gone"
10. Tom Waits- Singapore or Big Black Mariah from "Rain Dogs"

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Well, this post has been in the making for a while now, so I am hoping to provide a higher level of quality than my usual frothy-mouthed drooling rant sprees.

Stereotypes. They get up people's noses. Why?
What I have noticed about stereotypes is that they typically are born out of a fact, they are of an objective nature. It may later turn out that the fact is false, but it is a fact that spurs the creation of one. Object based stereotypes are never worth anything, so I will focus my discussion on stereotypes that assign a particular attribute to a group of people. Why are people insulted by them? Whether they are correct or incorrect, people typically take offense because the stereotype points out a type of scale, a continuum that people judge themselves on. If they fall into the stereotype, people feel offended because it seems like the stereotyper has control over them (to control you first must understand) or in some cases does have control over, in the case of institutionalized discrimination, which I cannot condone. If they are on the negative side, they have pushed themselves so far to the opposite that it is insulting to be mistaken for a positive. Either way, it forces the person to evaluate themselves by the terms set out by the stereotyper, even though that may not be an aspect the person cares about in themselves. The important thing to remember about stereotypes is that two types of knowledge are imparted
1. Knowledge about the stereotyped.
2. Knowledge about the stereotyper.
Within the genre of stereotypes a person indulges in, we may uncover a truth about them, whether is it true of the stereotyped or not. If a person decides that another race is "less smart" it is obviously the case that they consider themselves to be "more smart". This may not mean much, but can become more revealing with more telling stereotypes. For the purposes of refuting a stereotype, this is the more effective method, as the original 'fact' that the stereotype was based on may be lost to antiquity. It is in this way that we discover the nature of stereotypes. they are put forth as objective analysis, but they can only be known as a subjective assement. Thus, one may not attack the stereotype itself, but must attack the stereotyper to be properly effective.
However, this being said, I wonder why stereotypes have the negative stigma they do? As a female, I encounter few stereotypes, thank you Suffragettes!, but I have found that when they do, one of two things will occur:
1. I will correct the stereotyper, and continue on my merry way.
2. I will appreciate the stereotype.
What? Appreciate? Yes, I know, bizzare, but bear with me. A popular stereotype is that women are more fragile than men because we cannot build muscle mass. If it is a smaller task, I will ignore the stereotyper and do it myself. However, if it something I cannot do, I appreciate the help from the person who is aware such a condition may exist in realtion to me. It is just like knowing a person's personality. We know the 'personality' of a culture, race, ethnicity, etc. From knowing this, it is easier to cater to the groups needs, wants, likes, or dislikes. It is only in the expecting, and the refusal to change my belief about a group, that stereotypes becomes a problem. In essence, it is when people forget the subjective nature of a stereotype, and attempt to treat it as an objective truth.
There you have it.
I'm tired now and going to bed. Hopeful, the next post will be on modern day love, both the finding and the nature thereof.