Monday, December 19, 2005

One of the best feelings in the world

I just received a phone call from an old friend of mine who says not only is he working three jobs, and received an award for rescuing a man, he's also looking to marry his girlfriend, and starting a family. Back when I knew him he slept in a van and couldn't hold down a solid job for more than a month. I'm so proud of him.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


Well, these past two days have been particularily tumultuous. My s.o. has left for Brazil (with me oodles more excited about it than him) I discovered some strange things about my family, and discovered that my sister is pregnant!
I'm gonna be an auntie!
I've been so excited I've been pestering everyone I know, and practically screaming at them. I guess this means that it really has to sink in that, yes, my sister is actually, really, married.
I attended the wedding as her maid of honor, but it's still so strange to think that the blonde sprite I grew up with is married, and starting a family! Her hubby, a close friend of mine, is thrilled. I think he almost exploded trying to save the surprise for when my sis was set to tell us.
I wonder if this is how every generation feels. I mean, I think about my mom and dad, and all my aunts and uncles, and wonder. Is this how a kid is going to see me in a few years? and, It will only be a few years I guess. Time seems so short all of a sudden.
I feel, also, like I'm floundering, personally. Is it possible just because the old view that women are baby/home-making machines is still floating around, hidden and bleeding, but still there? I'm neither looking to get married nor make a family any time soon, so perhaps that is why I feel so uptight about the state of my apartment? (the floor is sticky and there are so many damn dishes, and the rug needs vacuming) It stresses me severly, but I have exams, and I'm leaving for a few weeks (during which Jared will probably soil the house. I love him, but damn hon, clean up a little, will you?) so there's no point nor time in cleaning. But I feel rather like I'm failing. Bizzare. But, I guess, I'm still young, soooo...
I'm sure there's still time. But I wonder, time to do what, and why?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


This ties into what will be my next post, or previous, whatever. The one title "Fate". Why are we, as humans, so aware of ourselves, so wrapped up in our lives, in every detail, when life is created in an instant, and destroyed so fast? I've long considered the idea of a "safety gate" in mankind's individual brains, a way to prevent us from realizing that, other than our next meal, it doesn't matter. Really. At all. It's all so impermanent.
Geez I'm tired. Why am I still awake?
More on luxury next post.


God, my head just never stops. Damnit.
I've been thinking about Fate, and Destiny. I've never really believed in it, or else it will really drive me mad, but here goes:
On a chance, I switched classes from Anthro to Phil 120, this class became the breakthrough in my career (at the time), and I met Jared, who convinced me to break up with my current boyfriend (thank God, and not a moment too soon), introduced me to The St. Albert Guys whom shall remain nameless, and helped me aquire a job at his mother's cafe. This summer, when I was fired, was also sort of because of Jared, and one of the St. Albert guys let me know about a job at a military depot. On a spur of the moment, I applied, and was accepted! Working there introduced me to my current boyfriend, and convinced me that I need the military. How can this be a coincedence? Is this sculpted? In space of a half-hour, because of a few minutes lapse of thinking, I lost my cell phone, which helped me realize just how steeped in luxury my life really is. In a five minute mistake in my car a few months ago, I lost $300 for a red light ticket. Had I paused a few seconds upon crossing the street yesterday, I'dve been run over ( probably not fatally) This is all just a huge cosmic dance, and eveyone whirls so close, and so far. It is aimless to ask, "Is this directed?" Any more than you can ask, "Is a dance directed?" Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. Impulse, planning. Eveything is connected. It helps if you see the world in terms of all people. Yes, I lost my cell phone, but perhaps pawning it helped a starving student buy supper for one more week. But not even just positive, even misery is an intericate dance move, which must be respected and praised just as much. We're all stuck on this little orb, hurtling through space. The rock I throw today may kill one man, whose insurance will save his dying child. There is so much and so little meaning in every second in life.
Chance, fate, luck, destiny. Aren't they all a part of life, in some way?
Consider the far reaching aspects of your life.
Do they mean anything?