Free of Handsfree

A historic ruling drew little public attention today as the Prime Minister repealed all Handsfree legislation in a ceremony attended almost exclusively by journalists, interested only in reporting on the leader's choice of fashion.

Under the bright red banner of office, just after noon, the PM sat to sign away a legislation that had not technically been enforced in years since the advent of the MoveSafe technology, the system which coordinates all vehicles on the road. He was heartily applauded by the present ministers, and nodded to the press with a cheeky grin. Remarkably, the process took an entire ten minutes, all of which the Prime Minister remained present and seated for.

The prohibition against using phones or any other device that required hands to operate was put in place almost one hundred years ago in response to the primitive forms of steering vehicles used. Since they required both hands to steer, it was theorized that forcing drivers to keep both hands on the wheel would reduce accidents. The law was fundamentally flawed from the start, however, as subsequent years and testing demonstrated it was the lack of attention, rather than the physical reality of such devices, that caused the accidents.

The move still attracted some criticism, and even a protester who showed up with a hand-created sign. She remained for the lead up, but departed at the start of the meeting, leaving her sign in the trashcan.

Prime Minister's Gamble

The word of the day today is betrayal after the Proctor and Gamble regiment, more commonly known as the sixteenth, refused orders to invade the Island of Borneo, citing corporate complicity.

Brunei has been owned by the Braun company since 2031 when they were bought out for their control of crude oil, the world's hottest resource. The purchase was strongly opposed by the religious community, but the deal was eventually brokered with the condition that the Braun company maintain the country's decades old tradition of free universal health care.

World Wildlife Fund denounced Canada's invasion of Borneo, citing the delicate balance of the world's most diverse array of species and precious rain forest - the last in the world since the devastating Brazilian wildfires eradicated the bulk of the Amazon, a criminal act of arson which still remains unsolved, despite links to several top food companies.

The recent development has sparked a firestorm of controversy about whether the regiment, wholly owned and operated by Proctor and Gamble, will be charged with treason or allowed to refuse postings that may violate it's obligations to shareholders. This case is the first of its kind in precedent-setting corporate-military ventures. Pundits suggest prior examples will be drawn from cases such as the States' use of Blackwater through the early 1990's onwards, Canada's invasion of Sudan, and the disaster of 2035, when forces from an unknown European bank invaded Disney world, believing it to be a headquarters for McDonald's, who bought the debts for several European nations the previous year.

Considering the sixteenth comprises the bulk of Canada's fighting force, it is uncertain whether the Prime Minister will be forced to reinstate the draft to muster the troops to continue his invasion, or risk looking weak in the eyes of many other national forces, which could prove fatal, considering the attempted invasion by Michelin's Michigan last year.

Payment Accomplished!

"Good Morning, Ms. Pun'd it! This is #name redacted# calling from your local Chrysler dealership, how are you today?"

"I'm quite good. What is this call in regards to?"

"Well, Mrs. Pun'd it, our records show that you purchased a new Chrysler vehicle last year on financing, is that correct?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good. Nice to be mobile again. You know, have options."

"That's great, ma'am, but we noticed you haven't made this months payment; we were wondering if there was a more convenient payment plan you might prefer."

"No, no, nothing like that. I paid last month's a week early, hey?"

"We noticed, but we don't put much bearing into that, so I'm not sure why that would matter."

"Well, I just figured since I had paid earlier than you expected, I just wouldn't pay anymore."

"I...I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, I'm done. I think I've paid enough. We're good."

"Uh, no you still owe a sizable amount on your total."

"Look, I'm sure we can both agree it's better for both of us if I keep the car - it is free advertising for you guys, hey? - and I can't work without my car, so I just won't pay anymore."

"You can't do that, you have to pay what you owe."

"How about you can come over to my house whenever you want, how about that?"

"No that's not going to work at all. Why don't I forward you through to a manager?"

My next plan, if this falls through, is just to get really fat and claim I'm "too big to fail".
(Incidentally I did get a new car this month but it was a Prius and I am doing fine on my payments.)
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