Cynicisms, existentialisms, witticisms, politicisms, and other "-isms" I just made up, all soaked in Grade A Canadian Maple syrup. Buckle Up.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Lunar Orb
There is a moon in my sky tonight: large yellow fat hanging hovering like the eye of some Godzilla waiting with baited tongue teeth covered in fly bits turning towards flicking lightning gulp
4 comments:
Anonymous
said...
Nicely done, though I must admit the fly bits make me cringe! lol, mapa
Good poem I can see how yo uwould symbolise the moon as a gigantic creature overshadowing the world. Though I'm confused as to what you see as the teeth. Or is it that the sight of an eye-like moon created an entire creature in your imagination, which is what you are describing?
Now correct me if I am wrong but you are using a format of syllabic declination, correct? So for an 8 line poem you want 8 syllables declining to one syllable at the end. The problem with this is the number of syllables you are using is incorrect.
Let me show you: Ideal: You: 10 9 8 8 8 8 6 6 6 6 4 4 4 4 2 1
Now there are a couple arguements one could make here. The main one is that sandwiching logical even numbers in between two illogical odd numbers in and of itself is poetic. However, i think the poem structure would improve by sticking with the more logical format.
But then again who said creativity had to always be logical, right? Well just thought I'd offer some constructive criticism. Take form it what you will.
4 comments:
Nicely done, though I must admit the fly bits make me cringe!
lol, mapa
who taught you to right
you'e a joke & freak
Good poem I can see how yo uwould symbolise the moon as a gigantic creature overshadowing the world. Though I'm confused as to what you see as the teeth. Or is it that the sight of an eye-like moon created an entire creature in your imagination, which is what you are describing?
Now correct me if I am wrong but you are using a format of syllabic declination, correct? So for an 8 line poem you want 8 syllables declining to one syllable at the end. The problem with this is the number of syllables you are using is incorrect.
Let me show you:
Ideal: You:
10 9
8 8
8 8
6 6
6 6
4 4
4 4
2 1
Now there are a couple arguements one could make here. The main one is that sandwiching logical even numbers in between two illogical odd numbers in and of itself is poetic. However, i think the poem structure would improve by sticking with the more logical format.
But then again who said creativity had to always be logical, right? Well just thought I'd offer some constructive criticism. Take form it what you will.
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