Monday, June 08, 2009

Lunar Orb

There is a moon in my sky tonight:
large yellow fat hanging hovering
like the eye of some Godzilla
waiting with baited tongue
teeth covered in fly bits
turning towards
flicking lightning
gulp

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nicely done, though I must admit the fly bits make me cringe!
lol, mapa

Anonymous said...

who taught you to right
you'e a joke & freak

Roots said...

Wow, I can't believe you actually posted that comment. You are by far the biggest, hypocritical, ignorant sack of horse shit I have seen.

First off, you have absolutely no right to criticise anyone's written material when you can't even spell "write" properly.

Secondly, whomever taught her to write was obviously a vastly superior teacher to your own. As you seem incapable of using punctuation or even decent grammar.

Finally, if you are going to try and insult someone perhaps you should at least pretend as though you wereo n some kind of intellectual par with them. Honestly, the only thing you have accomplished by opening your useless, flapping jaws is that you are a complete and total waste of human existence.

Roots said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roots said...

Good poem I can see how yo uwould symbolise the moon as a gigantic creature overshadowing the world. Though I'm confused as to what you see as the teeth. Or is it that the sight of an eye-like moon created an entire creature in your imagination, which is what you are describing?

Now correct me if I am wrong but you are using a format of syllabic declination, correct? So for an 8 line poem you want 8 syllables declining to one syllable at the end. The problem with this is the number of syllables you are using is incorrect.

Let me show you:
Ideal: You:
10 9
8 8
8 8
6 6
6 6
4 4
4 4
2 1

Now there are a couple arguements one could make here. The main one is that sandwiching logical even numbers in between two illogical odd numbers in and of itself is poetic. However, i think the poem structure would improve by sticking with the more logical format.

But then again who said creativity had to always be logical, right? Well just thought I'd offer some constructive criticism. Take form it what you will.