Now with more sodium!

God, I feel like if I turn my head too rapidly, psychology will splash all over my monitor.
After all the damn reading I've done over the past week (I'll be a big girl and refrain from making a joke about how I'm reading over reading week, hurr hurr) I should be prepared for this midterm. But now my cortex feels like a burning hatred behind my eyes. I think perhaps my temporal lobe has simply become electrified.
On a happier note, I'm starting to feel quite confident that my application to the military will be approved. For heaven's sake I have a dratted clean bill of health, a desire to run around the mud filled fields, and a large bladder capacity. What more could they want?
Oh right, that whole "reassurance that I will not shoot their people in the back of the head while they are unawares."
huh...

When I just close my eyes...

When I was short and waif-like, and happy in my shortness, and my ignorance, and youth, I would curl into a little ball and hide myself in my ceder-lined hope chest. and just breathe in the wonderful smell and daydream.
Now I have a mortgage and credit cards, and a thrice-broken little heart, and a career path, and guilt, and sadness, and age, and grey hairs. And a little teapot in a ceder box. and I pour myself green tea, and breathe.
And somehow, I'm happier now.

SCROTUM!

Fuck you world! scrotum!!!
It's a golramm body part!!!
FARK!

In other news;
Baptism went well. Yah! so no more baby being sent to limbo! I was also surprised because I expected baby to freak ("wtf? water, OMG!?") but he was fabulous! quiet, well-mannered, not squirmy. but then again, he has my genes, hehe.

On another note:
Things are going well between the ex and I. I think this friendship may actually work! holy-shit!
So there all you Nay-sayers who believe you can't be friends with an ex!! I'm onna fuckin do it twice!!! HA! ...I hope....

On a final note:
holycrapmeetingpeoplescaryi'mgonnadosomethingstupidorsomethingawcrudi'msonervousholyjeesus.
*hyperventilates*

Anna Nicole Smith

I've gotta admit, I feel kinda lost in a world without her.
She seemed kinda trashy, but I never saw a picture of her without her smiling in it. I kinda like that. I feel like people must have when they found out Marilyn Monroe died. Weird. Could also be because I've never been close to anyone who has died, but celebrities feel strangely close, since we follow their lives in tabloids so avidly.
Well, that's pretty much it for today. Pretty mindless, but I'm trying to distract myself. If I don't succeed I'm going to have to sit down and read the 5 articles I just downloaded on neural plasticity and perception. I should because I need them for Thursday, but...well...I just don't CARE right now.
Things are going better tho.
I knew I just needed a night of Karaoke and Sake. : P

Mark Rothko Song

Words and music by dar williams The blue it speaks so full It’s like the beauty one can barely stand Or too much things dropped in your hand And there’s a green like the peace In your heart sometimes Printed underneath the sheets of ashy snow And there’s a blue like where the urban angels go, very bright Now the calder mobile tips a biomorphic sphere Then it swings it’s dangling pieces Round to other paintings here Your behavior is so male It’s like you can’t explain yourself to me I think I’ll ask renoir to tea For his flowers are as real as they are all the time And the sunlight sets the furniture aglow It’s a pleasant time as far as people go, how far do they go? Well his roses are perfect and his words have no wings I know what he can give me and I like to know these things I met her at the funeral She said I don’t know what he meant to me I just know he affected me An effect not unlike his art, I believe The service starts and we are in the know He had so much to say but more to show, and ain’t that true of life? So we weep for a person who lived at great cost Yet we barely knew his powers till we sensed that we had lost A friend and I in a museum room She says, look at mark rothko’s side Did you know about his suicide? Some folks were born with a foot in the grave, but not me, of course And she smiles as if to say we’re in the know Then she names a coffee place where we can go, uptown Now the painting is desperate, but the crowds wash away In a crowd of kind pedestrians who’ve seen enough today

Livejournal

Alright you seething, slobbering internet masses. I'm on Livejournal now. Not because I wanna be, but because I feel i have to. (to the person who's forced me to this level, I'm gonna get you...)
My username is jhagerkin.
Yes. Jhagerkin. DEAL WITH IT.
Pretty much everything else I liked was taken.
Chelle, miChelle, Lhuci, LhuChelle.
fricken internets.

this is it

Okay, If I can just stop being stupid , and wholeheartedly botching my life up, 2007 is gonna be the best year ever. I can tell. It's glistening with shiny, oily, awesome.
It'd just be nice if the shiny, glistening awesomeness didn't cause me to fall on my face so Golramm much.
What I need is some crotchety old Codger, full of wisdom and vinegar, to tell me what to do. Yah, fricken Clint Eastwood to come along and set me right.
Anyway, what I got is my poor little, overused brain desperately trying to avoid fucking up.
I can sense the inevitable fuck-up looming. It's terrible and all-consuming.
It's gonna kill me, and you know what?
I totally deserve it.
I'm a bad person.

WOOO!

WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !*gasp gasp * WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

New Year

I am euphoric on a floating sea of bliss.
The New Year, hotly awaited by yours truly, has proved to be a blessing, indeed.
I received the exciting news that I do have collision, which means I will be receiving money for the heap of rubble that is my old car (yippee) my family appears to like my boyfriend, things are going better between me and him, I have no bills to be paid, no pressing meetings, and am awaiting paperwork for the military. Again.
The only slight raincloud dampening my sights is the fact that I appear to be two courses short of graduation specifics. but I only have one space for a course, and cannot take any junior level courses. Ah sigh.
But I have to look forward to a delicious one month backpacking trip through Europe as a "yah me, I survived and moderately flourished, I am a big tough woman, Fremo, I can handle life" celebration.
Well, less nauseating posts and more brain-food later.

I received the following as an email

>Subject: Fw: : Written by a Canadian Mom
>
>
>One of my sons serves in the army. He is still here in
>Canada.
>He called  me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were
>to him, and his fellow soldiers, everywhere he goes, telling me how people
>shake their
>hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only
>our own freedoms but so that others may have them also.
>
>But he also told me about an incident in the grocers' shop
>he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the quarters. He said that
>ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha.
>He said when
>she got to the checkout she loudly remarked about  the Canadian Flag
>lapel badge the cashier wore on her blouse. The cashier reached up and
>touched the
>badge, and said proudly," Yes, I always wear it and probably always
>will."
>The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to
>stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was an Afghani.
>A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm
>around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and
>gentle  voice to the Afghani woman. "Lady, hundreds of thousands of
>men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could
>stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing  YOUR
>countrymen. It
>is  my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we
>wouldn't  need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to
>speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay
>your way back to Afghanistan so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR
>country that you are obviously here, in MY, country to avoid."
>
>Everyone within hearing distance cheered!IF YOU
>AGREE -------
>Pass this on to all your proud friends----- I most certainly did!



Perhaps is WE thought less in terms of Them vs. Us, we would be
able to focus on better solutions than blowing each other up.
But then we wouldn't get that great smugness that comes from knowing you
live a better life than those backward heathens.

Iraq and Afghanistan

I try to avoid talking on this over-done subject as much as possible, but I had a conversation a little while ago I thought was pertinent to relate.
It was mentioned that George W. Bush has gone into Iraq without a valid exit strategy. He cannot pull out now, for risk of looking uncommitted, but staying is costing soldier's lives and money.
What can he do?
Well, although this may seem reminiscent of England invasion of Scotland so many centuries ago, why not simply ask for soldiers who would be interested in permanent duty over there? We wouldn't be abandoning the country, but it would ensure that the people that are there, are there with the intent to build a good, strong, country. Which is our goal, right? There are undoubtedly people out there that are in love with the culture and nation, so let them stay there, give them land, make sure they keep their jobs as American Soldiers, to maintain a visual deterrence, and thus decrease the amount of active forces over there.

Doom.

My whole fricken computor. Wiped.
I'm so lost.
All my golramm music. About 7,000 songs. Gone.
All my golramm pictures. Including ones from Mexico. Gone.
All my golramm homework. Including one still yet to be handed in. Gone.

I'm so lost. It's like I loved someone, and now they have amnesia, and all our memories, all our time together is lost. They don't even know who I am. I can go through the other pictures, try to make them remember, but it's not the same. I feel so adrift.
I'm such a loser.

Fuzzy Logic

I've decided that I dislike vague things.
Of all things I abhor most, "possible" is the highest.
I dislike "alternate endings" in movies, books, comics, and especially my own life. I don't EVER want to know what "might have been" or "could have if I had X, Y, or Z'd".
I think most of this is due to my incredible guilt factor, and the obscenly high regret ability I posses.
I dislike things that are not clearly defined, or do not fit into a category. I like things that fit into more than one category, as long as fitting in one does not lower their ability to fit in another.
I wonder if this is something I should change?

Nothing much

This blog post is best read to "Fill me in" by Craig Daivd
I've been in a strange mood lately. Like sex and warm candy, with cold stars in it.
I feel like violence, and hurting people, but also like being very nice, and sweet.

This is probably all due to the "week" I'm currently in, but I'm also trying desperatly to find who I really am, and what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I'd like to be in the military, but as what, I'm not sure. I would like to have some effect on the world, in a larger intellectual capacity, but how? I don't think Graduate school would be a sensible idea at this point, since I find it difficult to take university seriously, and Grad school is fairly intensive. Also, if I discover I don't want to do anything with Psychology, it will be a fabulous waste of money.

So far, with my current mood, it appears I am best suited for a career as a serial rapist...
Perhaps something in a more artistic capacity? I must confess, the only reason I didn't go to Fine Arts at Grant MacEwan is because my sister had done it previously, but somehow, the thought of learning to make art makes me weep. But I have a few ideas for paintings, I would love to teach dance, Few things make me as happy as writing, and I have thoughts on a couple sculptures. Perhaps a joint career in the military with Artistry as a hobby?
It's a thought.

After spending all Saturday with my sister and her rapidly-getting-bigger son, my nephew, I'm starting to become more and more sure I should never have children. Ever. I'm largly incompetant with them, and I think that I would not be able to devote the time to them that they require. but many of my friends believe that I would be a fabulous mother.

I just would like time to stop so I can take a serious look around, and decide a few things.

There's also a frustrating situation developing with my emotions and a person. I won't detail it, since no-one really cares. (Well, that's untrue, but the people who do care are already briefed.) But, suffice to say, it's causing a few sleepless nights, and more than a few daydreams, and even more serious self-evaluations. Why must people be so confusing? Worse, why must my expectations, and thoughts about people be so confusing? There should be a place, like Babelfish, where you can insert conversations and it would spit out what everyone is really saying, and how everyone really feels. None of this guessing crap. Just straight out; A, B, C.

Anyway, that's that, this is this, and everything will develop.
I don't want this to be construed as whining, because I am fascinated with this whole life I have, but it does bear thought, and require some attention.

Whimsy

I wish everything could stay exactly like it is now. I'm almost graduated, in a good house that I own, Surrounded by good, close friends, waiting for a job review, learning, and generally just enjoying myself.
I don't know what is going to happen by this time next year. I'm worried. It's likely I won't even have contact with most of the people I see on a regular basis now; Which is good in some cases (sweet closure) but not good in most.

What if I do the wrong thing? Back in high school very little changed for me. My town stayed the same. I moved only once to the other side of town. My school never changed. My classmates never changed. I never really thought that life would ever be different. Now, Nothing will be the same this time next year.

Wallowing

If you ever feel the need to just break down and mop, really feel sorry for yourself, get into all the misery corners, just ache for your poor lost self, languish in melancholia, rip off all your scabs, poke all your wounds, bleed from your soul, and really melodrama it up, you almost certainly must put on Roxanne, the remix by Tom Waits. On the Moulin Rouge album. It is practically indispensible. Nothing says torment like that rough voice screaming, "you don't have to put on that red light, Roxanne"

Oh I'm wallowing at a champion level now...

I will happily ever your after.

After watching the movie 'Shrek' for almost the millionth time, I have come to two conclusions;
1.Dragon is really weird
2. It's indicative of our current trend in love-thought.
Love today is centered around finding the right person. Confusing in it's own right, this leads to other problems. When labels like "Mr. Right" and "soulmate" are bandied around, it is no surprise the divorce rate is what it is.
We have, in our ferver, lost two essential elements. One I have previously fondled, the other is a newer concept.
1. Putting something outside yourself.
2. Being the right person.

1. The point of this, and the reason why marriages were so successful is they had an alterior purpose; Finances, lack-of-war, blackmail, carrying on family name, or even just warmth. The point is that if the marriage stopped, this benefit stopped, and usually if you married, It was for something bigger. (your Ace in the hole, as it were) Now, we just marry for love. A barely tangible, inexpressible, requirement. No wonder so many fail. When the swirly gut feeling of infatuation fades, we are left with only higher bills, and an annoying person who won't go away.

2. What if Love succeeding, and conversly marriage, was based on simply having the intestinal fortitude to stick with it? Some traits pass over all perosnality types, correct? So there should not be anyone who is incapable of making a marriage work just by not giving up. this is somewhat shown by the fact that if a person has a 2nd divorce, they are way more likely to have a 3rd, 4th or 5th, than a person who has only been married once is to have a 2nd divorce. The problem is the type of thinking you get trapped in. "OH, they weren't right." In our day and age of customization, and options, we've decided that we never need to settle; but people are not like cars or computors, we are constantly changing, the only thing that will stay constant is your determination to stay together.

But then again, what do I know?

Sadness

Sometimes I feel so broken inside my head.
With no way to express it.
Well, no healthy, acceptable way to express it.
Why must I be so fricken...weird?

New Music

Anyone bored and need some new types of tunes to listen to?
In ascending order of harshness (1 being mellow sleepy music, 10 being ear-raping with a gravel covered dildo, not even kidding, but it's soooo goood)

1. Bruce Cockburn- My lady and my lord from "Sunwheel Dance"
1. Moby- The Sky is Broken from "Play"
2. Maria Dunn- Take it Easy on Me from "For a Song"
3. Sarah Harmer- Lodestar or Open Window from "You were here"
4.. Emm Gryner- Siamese Star from "Asianblue"
5. Emm Gryner- Stereochrome from "Science Fair"
5. Dar Williams- The Ocean from "Mortal City"
6. Sarah Slean- California, Vertigo, or Day One from "Day One"
8. Dresdon Dolls- I am a Girl Anachronism from "The Dresdon Dolls"
9. Dresdon Dolls- Half-Jack from "The Dresdon Dolls"
10. Tom Waits- Hoist that rag or Don't go into that barn from "Real Gone"
10. Tom Waits- Singapore or Big Black Mariah from "Rain Dogs"

Stereotypes

Well, this post has been in the making for a while now, so I am hoping to provide a higher level of quality than my usual frothy-mouthed drooling rant sprees.

Stereotypes. They get up people's noses. Why?
What I have noticed about stereotypes is that they typically are born out of a fact, they are of an objective nature. It may later turn out that the fact is false, but it is a fact that spurs the creation of one. Object based stereotypes are never worth anything, so I will focus my discussion on stereotypes that assign a particular attribute to a group of people. Why are people insulted by them? Whether they are correct or incorrect, people typically take offense because the stereotype points out a type of scale, a continuum that people judge themselves on. If they fall into the stereotype, people feel offended because it seems like the stereotyper has control over them (to control you first must understand) or in some cases does have control over, in the case of institutionalized discrimination, which I cannot condone. If they are on the negative side, they have pushed themselves so far to the opposite that it is insulting to be mistaken for a positive. Either way, it forces the person to evaluate themselves by the terms set out by the stereotyper, even though that may not be an aspect the person cares about in themselves. The important thing to remember about stereotypes is that two types of knowledge are imparted
1. Knowledge about the stereotyped.
2. Knowledge about the stereotyper.
Within the genre of stereotypes a person indulges in, we may uncover a truth about them, whether is it true of the stereotyped or not. If a person decides that another race is "less smart" it is obviously the case that they consider themselves to be "more smart". This may not mean much, but can become more revealing with more telling stereotypes. For the purposes of refuting a stereotype, this is the more effective method, as the original 'fact' that the stereotype was based on may be lost to antiquity. It is in this way that we discover the nature of stereotypes. they are put forth as objective analysis, but they can only be known as a subjective assement. Thus, one may not attack the stereotype itself, but must attack the stereotyper to be properly effective.
However, this being said, I wonder why stereotypes have the negative stigma they do? As a female, I encounter few stereotypes, thank you Suffragettes!, but I have found that when they do, one of two things will occur:
1. I will correct the stereotyper, and continue on my merry way.
2. I will appreciate the stereotype.
What? Appreciate? Yes, I know, bizzare, but bear with me. A popular stereotype is that women are more fragile than men because we cannot build muscle mass. If it is a smaller task, I will ignore the stereotyper and do it myself. However, if it something I cannot do, I appreciate the help from the person who is aware such a condition may exist in realtion to me. It is just like knowing a person's personality. We know the 'personality' of a culture, race, ethnicity, etc. From knowing this, it is easier to cater to the groups needs, wants, likes, or dislikes. It is only in the expecting, and the refusal to change my belief about a group, that stereotypes becomes a problem. In essence, it is when people forget the subjective nature of a stereotype, and attempt to treat it as an objective truth.
There you have it.
I'm tired now and going to bed. Hopeful, the next post will be on modern day love, both the finding and the nature thereof.